The heat is getting to me today. But that's not really worth writing about. I have been thinking about performance vs. experience for a day now, another form of heat. For some it is probably not new information that I have a sticky relationship with live performance. Given a choice I'd rather be in the studio, engaged with the process of ideas and music. Live performance is that thing I do to earn some money, and hopefully find some supportive listeners. Not terribly inspiring, is it? it hasn't been for me, either.


Well, last Thursday's performance got me thinking some. It went really well because I was connected to something that was playing through me and it wasn't about me. As a basically shy person I was relieved that I could disappear into music. I have no idea if it was different to a listener, but it was different for me. 


At the end of the night I wasn't hungry and drained; I was energized and weirdly happy and social. I talked about this with someone and they pointed out to me that it's the difference between creating an experience and performance.


So now I'm reflecting on The Experience. This is why we go to music - we want an experience. Successful artists have a way of creating experience, of pointing a big arrow to the muse, of embodying things unseen. I have recently witnessed k.d. lang and The Swell Season create such  experiences. The musicianship was sublime and precise and tasteful, and the generous luminous quality of the lead performers created something close to church.


At the time I was thrilled to turn off my music critic mind and be swept away by sounds, trusting that all the sounds would be perfect. Sometimes I'd have a mental moment of student to teacher, "how do you do that????" I would ask in my head. 


Weeks and months later it occurs to me now that perhaps they weren't performing at all. Rather they were open empty vessels for The Experience. Heat and light. A possession.


I don't know how one does this, but that sounds like a lot of fun. If live performances can somehow become live experiences, I might sign up.


Before I sign out I should share that I think I found a new doctor! I'll be changing a bunch of stuff around and doing yet a few more tests. When pieces fall together it's another good day. Now someone get me a fan and a glass of ice water.

Little Lucky Miracles....

So much has happened in the past few days. I first thought my CT scan was super duper scary and then it turned out to be more or less minor, I've had drama with doctors, and got wiped out by last Saturday's gigs. I mean, wiped on the floor like wax paste. Then tonight I had a 2 and a half hour performance at a little cabaret bar in downtown Pittsburgh and, lo, it went fabulously. What!@?!? Could it be I might finally have internal energy reserves, after 9 months? 


Or maybe all I need to enjoy performance is lots of spaces in between. I improvised endings and fiddled around on the piano with beginnings and did things I've never done before. It's ridiculous to have my last show of summer be so good, and from out of the blue.


In all my apparently unlucky days I stand here in wonder at a lucky one. 


There is a poem by Saint John of the Cross, quoted in the book I'm currently reading "The Ecstatic Journey" by Sophy Burnam. I feel like quoting it, too:

Once in the dark of night

when love burned bright with yearning, I arose

(O windfall of delight!)

and how I left none knows --

dead to the world my house, in dull repose;

--------

There in the lucky dark,

in secret, with all sleepers heavy-eyed;

no sign for me to mark,

no other light, no guide

except for my heart -- the fire, the fire inside!

Crossing fingers....

Just wanted to post that I have two performances this Saturday -- one is live on-air at The Saturday Light Brigade, which may be streaming as well, and one is a short opening set for my friend Keith Hershberger. His songs are emotional and thoughtful and his solo performances are very rare as he's spending more time working as a ceramic artist these days.  Crossing fingers that I'll have enough energy for both events, and wanted to share them with you. After that I'm more or less out of commission until I can get wrapped around my chronic illness treatments. Please visit Keith's lovely website to see his graphic design work and pottery: www.keithhershberger.net


Two other plugs, for readers in the Pittsburgh area:


Emily Rodgers writes songs that are, to my ear, like melancholy lullabies. Her lyrics are exquisite and she is playing tonight at Howler's Coyote Cafe. And Saturday, July 24, look for Joy Ike, Brooke Annibale and The Beggar Folk at Istanbul in Lawrenceville. Joy and Brooke are two of the classiest young women singer-songwriters in Pittsburgh, and I've had the pleasure of sharing shows with both of them in the past year. Waves of good art hit the city sand, and Joy and Brooke are on the crest of a wave coming up after my generation of writers. As it is with enjoying my work with gifted healers, I also enjoy being in the presence of gifted songwriters who are also real singers.


Lastly, my energy is up today. Just waiting to get results from a CT scan of a neck lump. Yeah, scary is right. Again, crossing fingers.....

Suns that shine shadows

In this case, the absence of writing has meant shadows lifting and shifting possibilities. I have found some wonderful people in this process and to honor Independence Day I will name the people who are helping me:


Fawn Chang - Feng Shui consultant. She is a beautiful person and helped me do a space clearing of my home this past week. Weird and cool things happened with my cat Albert. She hooked me up with....


Nora Shofield - Spiritual Response Therapist. Esoteric, I know. I just saw her this morning and maybe I'll write more about this in the coming weeks.


Susan Merenstein - of Murray Avenue Apothecary. She has, I swear, a golden glow around her and makes you feel like your life is Sesame Street. 


Michele Bertini - quite possibly the loveliest therapist in this city. I've seen her off and on for a few years and my monthly visits have cleared my mind and opened my heart.


Sydnie Bryant - Acupuncturist and herbalist at Wholistic Acupunture.  Yet another Sesame Street person, but only if you cross that with a cool and serene Japanese Garden. 


Dr. Kropf - Neuro-energetic Chiropractor. I'll be darned but those little laser lights kinda make me feel better. And he "chuck norrises" my head as good as anyone.


In all, people who do what they are meant to do on the planet and do it with such professional skill and generosity make me happy to be a human being. My suns that shine shadows are being eclipsed by light.

Summer when the breeze is cool and the humidity is low is about perfect. Add my Pandora Debussy channel and a few cats sleeping on the couch and what more could a person ask for.


Contentment is hard to come by, so I savor moments like this. Today I learned two things to bring this rare state about. The first came from a feng shui practitioner that I hired to evaluate my home. I figured since my illness coincided with my nearly 8 years in this home that perhaps there are things I can do to remedy my health by way of caring for spaces. Thomas Moore has a great book called Care of the Soul, in which he speaks eloquently about spaces as manifestation of personal or societal disease. To care for spaces does as much to care for an individual or a community as actually treating the physical body.


I learned that my home has lots of issues in the health areas, but they are easily remedied. I will heal my home, as my energy allows. Perhaps I'll notice parallels in my body, we'll see.


As a total aside, Feng Shui also has fu dogs, these crosses between dragons and dogs, both male and female. You place them at your entrance to ward of malicious intent. They look fierce, like amped up super heroes or beasts from God's martial fantasy farm. I will get two fu dogs, mostly because I love to say fu dogs. fu dogs.


The second thing I learned today is that even though I think everything I love is being taken away from me by this illness -- my love of singing, of gardening, of walking places, or seeing friends, or simple pleasures like driving or buying food -- that actually it can't take everything I love away from me....because it can't take me away from me. Debussy and a perfect day make me sentimental, I guess. In any event, I'm still here inside and outside this body, stripped of purpose and pursuits perhaps, and a little worse for the wear, but here in essence.


How we live with ourselves is really what it's all about. I'm learning. Fu dogs!!!

Keith Jarrett is my new hero

I started telling people that I'm chronically ill. I emailed my music newsletter list last week with cancellation news of a show, and I was overwhelmed by the nice responses and resources that people sent to me. I think sometimes I forget that people like me. I don't know what that's about. 


One person sent me a link to the Fibromyalgia and Fatigue Center in Pittsburgh. I signed up for a complimentary visit, thinking maybe I've got Chronic Fatigue instead of just a chronic virus. I went today (ironically, the drive across town nearly flattened me) and it turns out I'm probably right. They know how to treat it, though, so I can recover as much of my energy as is possible. You know, the stuff that hasn't been damaged and destroyed for all time.


It'll cost thousands and I'm not sure how I'm going to afford it. But I'm going to do it anyway, and trust that the resources will be provided somehow. What other choice do I have?


After a long nap, I hopped on line this afternoon to see what resources are out there for musicians and health. Found out Cher has Chronic Fatigue due to Epstein Barr virus. I'm in Moonstruck company, baby! And Keith Jarrett has Chronic Fatigue. Ok, he's my new hero, because if you've never heard his double disc of Shostakovich preludes and fugues, you haven't really lived. They are sublime in every way.


I suspect I'll find a lot of new role models and heros on this new adventure. Now that is truly something to look forward to.

A few small victories

My acupuncturist changed the direction of one of my chakra wheels yesterday. I didn't know chakras had wheels -- I thought they just had colors. I must scour the interwebs for more information on that. Perhaps a future entry I'll tell you what I find.


In the meantime, and in an effort to introduce balance to this blog, I have a few small victories that warrant a short entry:


Small Victory #1: Last night I made it down to Istanbul to hear Eve Goodman & John Caldwell, with Tracy Drach. I didn't last the whole night, but the fact that I made it there and had a nice dinner and heard live music is something indeed.


RAH!


Small Victory #2: I just returned home from a 10 minute walk under blue skies. My lungs and limbs are heavy, but ten minutes anywhere would have been unthinkable on Friday. And no acute symptoms.


YAY!


Small Victory #3: This morning I re-listened to Rick DiClemete's reading of my astrological chart from earlier this Spring and pulled out a sketch pad and made drawings. Doodles really, but doodles with an art pencil on art paper.


YAWP!

A word of hope to all who need it: 

"Don't Let the Bastards Get You Down" - Margaret Atwood