Saying Yes

I suspect that all things work together. I've been navigating new relationships and methods for making my next album. It's been trickier than I imagined. There are lots of gaps in activity that perplex me, and when I'm in bad headspace/heartspace it frustrates me. Can't we get started already? Apparently not. So I have decided to just accept it all, or change it, but not fight it. What a revelation. And it's so simple.

In the gaps I've caught up on a bunch of TV shows, finally fixed up my backyard in a way that makes me happy to look out my windows, and I took a deep breath and signed up for 10 days of Panchakarma. I just felt like it's now or never. It was a total gut decision.

I'm on Day 3.  The week of prep was such a challenge! I'm not one for eating the same thing every day for every meal (so boring!), but it's had quite a calming effect, just like they said it would. Go Kichari.

Disconnecting from distressing things is also a simple revelation. You just do it. I put up the meditation "hand" and very little has passed through. I watched a whole presidential debate and didn't get jacked up once. Incredible. I haven't felt the need to engage in controversial conversation with my boyfriend, so it's been less antagonistic. Again, incredible. We have all the power to choose our responses to anything.

Now I'm in the clinic for therapy 2 hours each day. I love these days so far. I love the ritual of it. They ring chimes over me and chant to open the session, and then the therapist punches and pushes and kneads my limbs in the same series of strokes over and over. My head and hair are bathed in warm oil. I have lavender scented things massaged into my forehead, and rose smelling oils dropped into my nostrils. The steam tent they put over me pushes my limits for heat tolerance so I'm building up time on that. It's only my digestion that needs a little help. Other than that the detox feelings have been nonexistant. I've just felt heavy like someone beat me up. They kind of have, so it's logical. At the end they feed me, you guessed it, kichari.

At the same time, I've started taking voice lessons. And this is where all things work together. The gap in album-making, I am realizing, is so I can learn how to breathe and sing, and re-connect to my songs. Yesterday I was in tears at my lesson, trying to get through a song that I suddenly felt deeply connected to. I am reminded that the things I write are meaningful for me -- there is an emotional origin -- but I distance myself from them for some reason. The opportunity, here, is to find a way to do both at the same time. How can I harness the emotion and use it to communicate the story in an authentic way, without falling apart? Aaaahhhhh, exactly.

Working to release my body of crap and my heart of locked away sorrow and heartache is so very synchronous. I'm turning myself inside out and letting sun shine in. I love how it all comes together. And I did and didn't plan this. Mostly I just said yes. It's the practice of my lifetime.

At my college graduation, the speech was all about Living in the Gap. I've thought about that recently. Living in the Gap is like watching the movie of your own life unfolding, only you get to be the actor, too. It's like watching the Divine Musician, and you are also the music. What will happen next? It depends what you say yes to today. How will the plot work its way together? Say yes, get really in, do the work, and find out.

Campaign Update!

After just 4 days, the campaign is 35% funded. I'm totally blown away by the generosity of 34 people. They give me hope that not only can this be possible, but it can also be effortless.

Yet another lesson to self: when we open up to the unknown, there is always something on the other side.

Kickstarter Campaign OFFICIALLY LAUNCHED!

After months of trying to figure out how to make a video (I'm a musician, not a filmmaker!) I finally gave up and gave it to a pro. And now, with great relief and anticipation, the campaign is launched to fund my 4th album "Chrysalis". It's already 8% funded!

I'm thrilled give a shout out to my early pledgers: Joy Ike, Marla Ferrency, Nancy Deckant, Judith Avers, Valerie and Jeremy Kropf, and Mark Perna. You are now on my album alter in the form of river rocks....

Pledge at: www.kickstarter.com/projects/2136175221/heather-kropf-new-album

The Song Shredder takes Mars PA

This whole experience with my health has redirected my energy back to the source: my love of songwriting and recording. I couldn't be happier about this, and I have to say it's been a long time coming. Sometimes it takes you decades to step into your truth. So when you get there, for cryin' out loud, stop for a moment and celebrate.

I'm here. Three times this week I've consciously thought, "I'm loving my life these days." I'm completely engaged in preproduction for my 4th album (I will attempt the highly intimidating Crowd Source Campaign to fund it), and have some new musical collaborations planned, so the destination is an unknown adventure. Yes.

I've decided to begin to take myself -- my so-called "brand" -- out of the musical equation by not emphasizing live performance so much. Rather, I will make the songs go on a little journey out into the world instead of my physical self, via publishing, song placements, etc.

To do this requires some exercise. It requires that I dig into the craft to get better, it requires that I get into the studio to make something of broadcast quality, which is exactly what I want to do anyway.

Enter a sunny May weekend in Mars: I just spent a beautiful Saturday outside of Pittsburgh, where the grass grows by creeks under groves of trees. I laid on the perfect turf staring at the sky, listening to the whispering leaves, the sounds of famlies playing ball, and the occassional passing car. There were lots of butterflies. There were two girls wading with nets, trying to catch minnows. I could feel my body forget the crowded hood.

That's how I spent my breaks, anyway. Mostly I was indoors at a suburban development clubhouse listening to a Nashville songwriter/publisher talk about the Biz. I played a few of my tunes afterwards and had 3 of my 4 songs totally shredded. Lyrics, song form, everything.

It was a workout. For track people, it was like doing Fartleks. I could feel my muscles. I love that I have so much room for improvement; I love that it's worth it. I also love that at least one of my songs is just about ready to try to pitch. Hopefully someday soon you'll hear one of my freshly (re)written songs on a TV show or in a movie, and you'll say, hey, I read her blog last year. That's the woman who's finally digging her life and making it count. 

It's after 10 pm. I'm home now, and I'm taking another moment to celebrate. May this moment last for years.

p.s......as a side note.....I have just discovered Ayurveda. I've got this 'High Vata' thing going on, which might explain lots of my chronic issues. Already seeing rather extraordinary results with Neem Oil. Next up: Panchakarma Detox, ya'll.

Being Born Again and Again

For my birthday I received a book called "The Artist's Rule" by Christine Valters Painter. It's a 12-week course on nurturing your creative soul with monastic wisdom, meant to be done rather than read.

Almost simultaneously I embarked on my second year of FAWM, February Album Writing Month, which is a challenge to write 14 songs in the 28 days of February. As of this posting I'm off pace with only 4 songs done in 12 days. I've been stopped by the demands of living, the need to slow down, and the realization during a cellular expansion sessions that my heart energy isn't moving.

Enter the book.

When we let go of our desire to be clever or successful or to create beautiful things, we may be open to the sacred truth of our experience as it is, not how we want it to be.

I've been wondering how to activate my heart, because it bothers me that my heart energy is still, right at the point where I hope to be steadily creative. The author refers to the Beginner's Mind and Heart as the starting point, We begin again.

The first week of the 12-week journey is about establishing a creative, contemplative practice. AThomas Merton quote starts the text, "To be born again is not to become somebody else, but to become ourselves."

As someone who has always felt like I'm starting over, or relearning what I used to know, it's nice to feel as if that is a human experience and recognized sacred rite of passage. So, here I am being born again, and again.

I hope that means more songs this month, and a really beautifully performed show this Friday with my band, but I know I must let go of expectation and just be the child. Let the process change me.

40 Reasons

Today is my birthday, and here are 40 reasons...

1. Because I'm here
2. This place is unbelievable (was staring at a bouquet of purple irises for so long yesterday)
3. Kalamata olives
4. Crows fly towards the sunset in winter every night
5. Great art
6. Guilty pleasures
7. Road trips and car conversations
8. Making songs
9. Microphones
10. Led Zeppelin, Jamiroquai, Bob Marley (if you've gotta clean your house)
11. Mindy Smith, Rebecca Martin, Lizz Wright (if you've gotta update your Quicken)
12. Public Radio
13. Pets...my cats and their expressions of catness give me warm fuzzies every day
14. The science & environment sections of newspapers
15. The human body, in which I dwell, is a constant mystery, a constant conversation
16. Any system -- Enneagram, Feng Shui, Myers-Briggs, Vastu
17. Shaman
18. A really good pen
19. Funny TV (ummm, right now The New Girl is cracking me up every week)
20. Catching people in the act of kindness towards strangers
21. Puttering in the garden with my not-so-green thumb
22. Ikea diplays
23. Foot rubs
24. Pajamas
25. Being aware of how lucky I am
26. God bless probiotics
27. Entire days when there is nothing on my calendar
28. My friends
29. Sunshine, ocean breeze, the smell of cedar and pine trees
30. No matter what, we always have another chance to get it right...no matter if it's the way we expected or not
31. First love
32. There are people on the planet who created Moonstruck, Tout le Matins du Monde, Brokeback Mountain, Girl with a Pearl Earring, Being There, Waitress. Thank you.
33. Researching things....especially geneology, home histories!
34. Mosaics & ornementation
35. Gathering around a fire
36. Erte
37. To fall off the edge of earth into the sea of stars
38. To be bliss
39. To love
40. To surrender