Love Into the Great Beyond

Last year I walked up to my house and there was a dead bird at the foot of my steps. It's the second dead bird that's appeared at the front of my house and it felt important. I buried the bird next to the tree by my sidewalk and planted Cosmos seeds. In a few weeks the flowers bloomed, reminding me daily that life comes from death, that we can honor things passing and love them into the great beyond.

At the closure of this years-long process of making my album I am exhausted. So much has changed within and surfaced without: creation from nothing, illogical attraction, dissolved relationships, feeling so much, making everything happen, surrendering, injuries, the ending of things, completions, peace.

I need rest in the way those English women in the last turn of the century would go off to Italy to regroup and regain their health and color.

But there are a few more loose ends before the travel. There are things to be said and freed. There is a house to be sold, possessions to be shed. I long to move into the great beyond of my future as a nomad. I can taste its air. The blank canvas holds the possibility of the entire cosmos; its got a magentic pull to my optimistic mind that I've never been able to really resist for too long.

But the heart needs time to feel. It needs transitions. It needs to mark the moments and honor the passing. It needs to love here and now in the void. It needs to love to know the contours of a life. I am convinced the heart needs to love more than to be loved. It's the mind that needs to be loved. To love is why I buried the bird. It is why I made my album. It is why I am slowing down and taking time to let go before I paint my future.

I am in the last few moments in my coccoon, so let me bury all the heartache in slowness and sleep deeply and when I wake let there be a bouquet of color, sun, breeze and nothing to hold me back from breaking again.

At Long Last, Music

My new album is out today!

Today is the day! I released my fourth album, Chrysalis. How does it feel? Well, pretty damn good, that's how.

I went on my morning walk with my headphones blasting the songs, waking up the day, marking the moment. It's a good record. With perspective I can honestly say that.

I never thought it would get released like this, though. I was jammin' on my to-do lists, rolling along, when 2 weeks ago I hit my head again, which re-aggravated my previous concussion from last fall. Everything stopped. I've been off work with nearly constant migraines, at points too spacey or emotional to talk, and continuing to learn how to rest, take care of myself, and let go.

In the gap amazing people have emerged. I have been working with skilled people in the healing arts and my recovery progress is steady (well, steady as it can be for a concussion). I'll be able to sing at my release party on Sunday. Who knows how I'll feel afterwards, but the party is on. It's on!

I've also gotten lost in some life decisions related to people, place, pursuits. Isn't that about all of it? I met, for a second time, with Victoria Zaitz, a rock solid psychic who offered immense clarity in her hour-long reading. I never thought much of psychics before beyond a fascination in the esoteric, but her focus on the soul is really locked in and grounded. With confirmation from intuitives like her I'm learning how to trust my own intution. I'm not wrong.

Other amazing people: volunteers who are taking the party details way beyond what I ever could conceive, coming out of the woodwork last-minute to keep me from multi-tasking and making decisions. It is better than I could even imagine.

And the musicians, what can I say? I'm beyond grateful for a chance to play these songs live with my release party band, that includes many of the core players on the project. Paul Tabachneck is opening the night and wrote a sweet blog about my music. He'll be doing some guest vocals, including the duet on Valentine. I've been an enormous fan of his voice and songs, his live performance and banter for years. I'm the lucky one to have him opening the night.

Pedal steel, guitar, vibes, bass....these are some of my favorite pop instruments. I went back to listening to Joni Mitchell's Court and Spark and I'm kind of intrigued that I've naturally gone there a little bit with my album instrumentation choices. It's not entirely obvious, but it's there informing my work at the core. And it should; that album started my entire career as a songwriter. Up until then I'd been writing a bit (aka not practicing my piano lessons. sorry mom) but I didn't know it was possible to write personal poetic songs that were pictures in sound.

Anyhow. I don't come close to Joni; she's a brilliant light. But I'd like to think I glow a bit. I'd like to think that in striving to make my own music I've put a little nightlight out there for someone else to see by. Maybe, if I'm lucky. If nothing else it's been a helluva journey and I've done a little bit of soul-saving of my own. That is worth every thrill and heartache. Every single one, and believe me, this project had many of both.

This album, for me, is where my life meets art meets life and makes things better. Have a listen. Enjoy.