Saying Goodbye to Trees

There is a tree in my backyard that I've been around for over 12 years. It's a tall pine tree that has nearly outgrown its space in the far back corner of the yard. Its branches extend over the rooftops of garage buildings. It's out of place but asserts itself anyway. I trimmed up the bottom branches and hung a wind chime on a low protrusion. When it's storming I hear the low chimes. It seems happier now that someone is caring for it.

In posts from years ago I considered that tree while doing detoxification. I'd sit outside with my feet in mud baths and just look at the tree. It watched over me. When I had my concussions I would lay outside in the grass beside the tree and just be, taking my cue from its quiet still presence.

This weekend a friend offered me a Reiki session after I did a show with a sub par voice due to a lingering head cold. I have been having recurring throat issues. I lay there on the table and she introduced the session by leading me through a meditation in which I picked a tree to work with.

My brain fell on that pine tree in my backyard. I was happy for a while and then somewhere along the way I realized that by selling my house this winter I will also be saying goodbye to the tree. I will not get to sit and look at it ever again. I will not see it outside of my bedroom window again, each morning as I raise the blinds and see what the sun and sky are doing. I am leaving my tree.

I am so sad to leave my tree. I don't know why but I love that tree in a way that I don't love my house. It's a living breathing creation that has been with me and for me and beside me through the worst of my adult life. Since my session I have this insatiable urge to hug the tree. Yeah, I know, it's a cliche.

I have no idea why my emotions run so deep with saying goodbye to trees. I am hoping there will be answers in my night dreaming. Something about this matters.

The Calm in the Storm

Oh, man, there is a big part of me that wants to delete so many of my postings from the last year. They are clearly stages in a journey of spiritual growth and I look back at them and say, "Wow, You. Wow. It's so different now."

Everything is so different now. I have engaged with this path for a few years, surrendered to much, followed the lead of signs, connections and keys that are handed to me. In many ways I feel like I've walked through to The Other Side of the Sun, as Madeleine L'Engel puts it. The suns burns away what's not yours and leaves you with just you. Still burning.

No, the health/wellness stuff still isn't really solved but I'm in pursuit and I've seen some things miraculously resolve. That's enough to keep me going. No, I can't seem to finish a few songs I've been working on for years, but others are flowing out like a well-inked fountain pen. They surprise me in their devotion and openness. I traveled last weekend and did it with balance and pacing for the first time ever. I came home NOT sick! I totally rocked it. And there have been other things, too -- tender realizations and embodying the teachings from people further along the path -- and mostly I feel a strange clarity and peace.

There is a calm in the storm.

"The universe plays hardball whether you like it or not. You either get on the field with your catcher’s mitt, or you spend the rest of the time sitting on the bench waiting for nothing to happen. Love is all you ever need to believe in. It will change your whole world whether you’re ready or not."  ~ The Awakened Queen

It's not that I don't have doubts about the things I love -- I don't think I'm anywhere near done with this -- but right now I've got more faith than usual. I'm ok loving what I love. This is new for me. And sometimes I think the Universe knows when you just need a break. I have no idea what happens next. I'll write songs and play music like I always do, I'll try to be a decent friend and make my home a place where I want to spend my time. I'll cook and bake and watch YouTube videos. These days I have this urge to master something, put some roots down in my experience rather than in places or what the world sees as security.

Life unfolds like a flower. It is not to be taken too seriously. It's a thing of beauty and it's here to bring you joy.

I'm posting today to mark the moment.

Desire is the Messenger

"We abandon the most important journey of our lives when we abandon desire. We leave our hearts by the side of the road and head off in the direction of fitting in, getting by, being productive, what have you. Whatever we might gain -- money, position, the approval of others, or just absence of the discontent itself - it's not worth it." - John Eldredge

"Why can I never set my heart on a possible thing? - Ursula K. Le Guin

Some say that if you desire something then the fulfillment of that desire is already within your field, that you are just experiencing its opposite. I find this hard to grasp and yet I know it must be true. As logic and law it makes sense.

But living on the opposite side, on the longing side, on the lack side, is incredibly challenging. I find I want things that seem beyond my control to experience or acquire.

So what if desire's fulfillment appears impossible? Then what is the point? What is the point of desire if not to fulfill itself? Why would such a state overwhelm us if its remedy and relief were not available?

I think it has to to with drawing us out of ourselves by drawing us in. If the desire is pure and I am pulled towards something or someone then I am moving out, I'm expanding in search of connection with the Other, which is also the Self. I am drawn, essentially, towards wholeness or oneness. If the desire is not pure, then I am pulled towards its shadow and separation.

To reign in that longing shows a lack of faith somehow. Living in the unguarded tension of the pull, giving it free reign, is an exercise in absolute trust in oneself and the laws of our universe. We must live the longing, and do it whole-heartedly, too. Desire demands commitment and risk. It's a muddy, intoxicating brew and you have to drink it like doing shots.

I am embarrassed to say that when I have a desire and I can't see how I can possibly attain it, that I get mad at the longing. I get mad at the universe. I despair. In the past I've tried to get rid of the desire, ignore it, repress it, judge it, and judge myself for having it.

But desire is just the messenger. It's the love letter, and destroying the letter doesn't destroy the love. Or it's a fear letter, and destroying the letter doesn't destroy the fear.

I wonder a few things. First, I wonder how to tell if my desires are actually pure? How do I know in my clouded state, with certainty, that I desire something for my highest good and for the highest good of those around me? What is the litmus test for this?

Or does it matter? Is the lesson of desire for our life served no matter if we are lit by it or shadowed? I tend to think our lesson is our lesson. We learn what we need to at the time when we need to learn it.

Second, I wonder if in our clouded state we cannot see desire's fulfillment because the answer is not what we expect? It's like that word game of opposites. When you ask people what is the opposite of love a lot of people say hate. But perhaps the opposite of love is indifference or fear. In the same way, maybe the remedy for our desire is not what we think it is.

It's like a plot twist. And the twist only makes sense, and the payoff is sweet, if you read the whole story. We have to commit to the story.

So these days I am reminded to live the longing. The act of surrender is somehow validation of an essential part of myself. It's an acceptance. I offer myself grace. I offer myself Yes rather than No, without judgment, as a fundamental way of living. So trust desire but get curious about whether or not it's a true desire or a trick. It's not the existence of desire that needs to be shaped, it's the shape of the desire itself.

If all opposites exist then it's worth it to desire something that's incredible, that saves us, and brings us closer to wholeness. Desire that. Trust that. Don't separate yourself from that. Risk everything for that because you can't lose. Allow desire to take residence in your guts without fear and without despair, and even without expectation that you know the answer now, but you will when you get to that part of the story.

Shadow box with your ego in search of the divine. She's shining a bright fucking light and desires you, too.

Stuff that Works

Most of my recent entries have been about emotional stuff, the album, etc., and I haven't been posting updates on physical stuff lately. I thought I'd put out a little digest of stuff that works, just in case people are searching the internet for solutions to their situations and people to help them.

For me, here's what has worked in the past year:

Homeopathy -- it is magical! I suffered serious mental imbalances after my concussions, exacerbating some tendencies towards anxiety and depression. I've been working with an amazingly gifted Classical Homeopath, Betsy Reiling, over the past year and she has listened to me talk about dreams, feelings, symptoms, etc., and prescribed little white pellets that have worked wonders. Classical homeopathy works with your constitution so it's a big picture medicine. And its effects are subtle; it's hard to identify the difference, and yet the difference is there. I have no anxiety and no severe depression. The fall is usually when both flare up for me, and the one year anniversary for my concussion is in 10 days. I'll be interested to see how I do. But no matter how I do I'm totally confident that working with Betsy will work if I need it to.

Homeopathy also helped with jet lag and traveling through time zones. Good stuff.

Chiropractic -- this is a weird one. Different chiropractors seem to help with different things for me and they all have very different approaches. I've worked with 5 over the course of my life. I recently added the 5th one, Dr. Domenic Febrarro, specifically for concussion recovery and the results have been amazing. I would like to keep seeing him for additional things but there is a cost if you aren't insured (and I'm not).  Frequency is key. I was there probably 2-3 times/week for the first few weeks after my second hit. And I needed all of that.

What he does is really great for me -- he uses an intuitive approach called Koren Specific Technique which is a combination of his asking my body for information and then using a handheld machine that gently taps on the area in need of adjustment. The frequency of the tap is lined up with the body's frequency. It's a quantum level approach to giving the nervous system the best chances of functioning.

There is something called retracing that happens with this method. He finds old hits, wounds, stressors of all kinds -- emotional, physical, spiritual, chemical -- and your body is given a chance to unwind past injury. The healing crisis can be activated with this method, but he stops adjusting when the body says to stop which keeps in manageable, and the frequency of visits helps keep things moving through.

My vision in my right eye was really affected by the second hit and with adjustments I was able to correct most of it. I got new glasses only after being treated for a while.

The 4th chiropractor I added is Dr. Daniel Schenck. His approach is similar to Dr. Febrarro's but is less clinical. He uses the intuitive approach for diagnosis combined with conversation with you, but uses his hands for adjustments and other energetic work. Dr. Febrarro might only need 5 minutes with you at a time. Dr.  Schenck will take a full hour and really work through your whole body. Dr. Febrarro comes on strong and is extremely passionate about his work and how it can replace the need for many things in the allopathic medical system. It's awesome. Dr. Schenck is much more conservative in his presentation and very subtle in his suggestions, using a broad perspective with an Asian twist. He teaches meditation, he's been to Tibet, he's from the West. It's all of that and it's also awesome.

Endocrine System, Baby -- so the stress of my life has hit me physically again. My metabolism is off, I'm getting infections a lot again, other stuff. Most of my doctors have since retired from practice or moved into other locations so I have been doctorless for my specific needs for over a year now. I'm really excited to be meeting with someone new - a naturopath - in 2 weeks. I'll share if she's good!

Meanwhile, there are two doctors who live in other states that I've been really impressed with. Regular docs just don't get the endocrine system as being key to tons of things. I can see that I'm a classic case for needing to rebalance my hormones, my thyroid, my pituitary, adrenals, etc., but a primary care physician just wouldn't necessarily go there. They would simply treat the head cold, for example, which is fine but doesn't get to the root causes.

Ok, so the first doctor is a nutritional endocrinologist named Dr. RitaMarie. Now, she is one of those self-improvement, virtual teacher-type people and you have to wade through a crapton of confusing hard-sell things on her website. But her educational background and knowledge are rock solid and the direction that she is trying to move the health industry towards is admirable and right-on.

I've been drinking her adrenal elixer for the past 3 weeks and I have to say until I traveled oversees this past weekend and got another infection, the elixer had me feeling more amazing than I've felt in over 2 years. Yes, that good, and this is post-concussion, too, so that makes it even better.

Here's the Adrenal Elixer recipe, and the recommended length of time is 30 days:

16 oz of Gynostemma tea (I am using Tulsi tea as substitute until I can order the other stuff online)
2 T coconut milk (get the pure stuff! not the box stuff with tons of icky ingredients)
2 T Maca (I've kicked this waaaaaaay back to 2 tsp....consult your doc before doing 2 T for sure!)
2 T Raw Cacao
1 T Chaga (you can also add Reishi) (I use a Chaga tincture because that's what I could find in the store...but will definitely move to the other Chaga when I'm done!)
1 T Ashwaganda (you can also add Astragalus)
Dash of Himelayan Sea Salt (or Kelp powder)
Sweetener of choice (I use Stevia because I have it and I have a thing with regular sugar...)

Blend it all together for 30 seconds in a blender and enjoy! If you make it with warm tea then it kind of turns into a hot cocoa. Very yummy as the weather turns cooler.

This drink will charge you up so sip it and adjust amounts of herbs to meet your needs. I started the first week really strong to kickstart my system but I felt overstimulated so I have been working with amounts to find the right balance.

The othere doc is Dr. Anna Cabeca. I like her skill set and her approach to women's health and aging. I have only heard her do one webinar, which was stellar. I got a few of her free resources as follow-up and if I lived anywhere near her she'd totally be my doc!

Psychic Care - Lastly I have to mention that psychic/soul care has been really important in helping me to process emotional stuff and life changes, and to see myself from outside myself. For example, it would be pointless to continue retracing with chiropractic care until I have processed things are that up for me right now. Clearing the deck takes time and you have to let time do its work. There is also Universal Time which makes no freaking sense to the mind, but letting Universal Time work is also pretty magical because you start to see things line up in brilliant ways that you never could have done by your will alone.

So, these are my ladies: my main guide has been Victoria Zaitz. She walks her talk and talks her walk, grounded and generous and intelligent with great boundaries. I've been working intuitively with a particular soul connection for quite some time now but it wasn't until February of this year that I "by chance" had a short session with her at a psychic fair (birthday present to me!) and found out its definition. She got a smile on her face when I said the person's name and quickly said, "Oh! Now this is a soul connection. First, you are not crazy. You might feel crazy, but you are not crazy." (I have discovered over time that some friends treat me like I'm a little crazy with this so I have to be careful how and what I say and save it for people who know this strange language of the soul.)  I consult with her every so often when I'm overwhelmed and she gently points me towards the triggers to my ego, my creative contracts, my truth and soul growth and keeps me focused on my work and not on the relationship.

I have to say that this situation is the hardest challenge I have ever faced in my life. Because I'm open to it my growth feels accelerated; I can feel myself evolving. The other day I was vibrating for about 3 days because of this connection. It came on suddenly like a train wreck of light and energy and then disappeared like it never happened. This is the weird shit that goes down with soul stuff. I would call me crazy except that it's happening to me. It's a tangible experience and I'm not consciously asking for it.

SO. If you have felt weirdly connected to someone in a way that the mind cannot grasp and that doesn't make any sense in the "real world", and if it doesn't go (the F) away, and if that person triggers all your stuff, and you think you're going crazy (you're not crazy), then check out her introductory article on Soulmates. It will help you.

In conjuction with working with Victoria I have found it useful and fascinating to dig into astrology. A friend hipped me to a rather Jungian-based astrologer named Christine Gonze Conrad. I've worked with her twice this year and found her readings to be very useful in helping me to see my natural tendencies and to know they simply are who I am and not flaws. The trick is to work with them and create a life where they are positive attributes.

For example, I am Aquarian but my ascendant is the fiery Saggatarius and I have tons of Aries. Like, TONS. My work thread has been fragmented at best. I stay places maybe 2-3 years, maybe 4, and then I get restless and move on. As an artist my favorite thing is making albums. It's intense and has a clear beginning and ending. The grind of booking and playing out holds almost no spark for me. WELL, dear reader, with all my Fire and the way it's configured in my chart, these tendencies are perfectly natural and normal. My chart is all about freedom, restlessly so. If I'm not free to be mobile then it's over. If I can't get really in then really out, I'm really unhappy.

I've always known this and I've always seen this as a flaw because the world wants you to build a life. But now I know that's just how I am and building a life looks different for me. So, the trick is to make vocational choices that play into my need to get in then get out. I am Project Gal.

That's just one of many examples. If you're interested in a reading with Christine, contact me. But there are many wonderful astrologers. The key is to find one or two that resonate with you. I've worked with 2 astrologers and like them both for different reasons!

My next lady is Stephanie Charles, who does Akashic Records readings. These are interesting. They only give you what you ask for and they only give you truth for your current timeline so you have to really know what you want to know and ask the right questions if you are to have a valuable reading. You also have to realize the projections and answers can diverge from your eventual life choices. It's multi-dimensional. Her readings haven't been the main event for me, but they have offered a few key insights and been really supportive of my other work, validating other readings and therapies, which is important. I'll say why in a bit.

My last lady is Shay Port, who does this super fun eye reading thing out of a tea shop in Squirrel Hill every Friday night. Her gift doesn't seem to be part of any tradition. She's just got a knack for looking at your eyes in certain ways, and asking you to make statements, and then zeroing in on issues and making suggestions. It's cool. I have had to adjust some of her suggestions that haven't worked for me over time, but on the whole she's nailed it. And I've seen her work on other people and drill through layers of stuff with them in less than 15 minutes. The tea shop is charming so it's a fun low-key Friday outing to see her.

Ok. So here is why I think multiple readings can be important. I don't believe one reading is always 100% accurate, because they are given and translated by humans. It's good to get multiple perspectives and check them against your own intuition. In other words, your truth is not in the hands of someone else, and especially not in the hands of one person. Except yours. It's in yours.

I get readings for perspective because I have severe blind spots (and my astrological chart totally validates this with where Neptune is placed within it) and because I'm still learning how to trust my intuition. These readers are my training wheels (I also find them extremely fascinating so I can be a bit of a junkie. But it's pretty harmless, and I know myself, so I'm not worried.) and at some point I hope I will have learned my own language of intuition well enough that I won't need them as much as I do right now. 

So that's my digest of stuff that works. If you are looking for help with things that these people treat, be in touch with them. Helping yourself costs money and takes effort and time and courage, but having a higher quality life is worth it. Growing your soul is worth it. Feeling good day-to-day is worth it. And there are times when it's not about being brave, and it's actually lots of fun! Good luck!!

There's a Little Black Spot on the Sun Today

I suppose we all know that with joy comes sorrow and that with our increased capacity to know joy we increase our capacity to experience sorrow. The point is to be open enough to allow both, because it matters, because that's what being alive means. We risk happiness knowing that sorrow or frustration is waiting somewhere down the line. It makes our happiness sweeter. And when we are tearing up and feeling the pain we know that nothing lasts forever and someday this, too, will also pass. And that is solace. The yo-yo of it, though, is where I get tweaked.

I took a weekend out of town recently because it had been years since I'd traveled out of town for no particular reason at all except to be somewhere else, to see the sights, and visit with people, eat food. You know, a weekend vacation. (Life as a musician doesn't always include straight-up vacation. Usually you head out and try to squeeze in a gig since you're on the road anyway. I did squeeze in a studio visit but it was fun, yo, and I wasn't aiming to earn money by doing it so I'm not counting it as work.)

The weekend was perfect; I haven't been that happy in a long long time and I needed it. And then the bus ride home I sat under a frigid AC vent and 3 days later I was sick as a dog. Still am. It's been 15 days now of misery.

I haven't been sick with an infection like this for a few years and it brings up all my stuff....all the stuff that I've been blogging about here since I started. Does this mean my immune system is compromised again? Am I toxic again? Is this the beginning of another three-year saga of sorrow? This is how it all began last time.....

Obviously, we have to detach from our story somewhat. Legacy is not our fate but psychological wounds are real and clearly I'm not past feeling mine when it comes to illness. Now I know.

And so I say amidst the head congestion and coughing and sinus pain that this doesn't last. I had those 3 days of blissful happiness. No concussion symptoms, no fatigue, no feelings that I didn't belong. Everything was right with the world for once and it will be that way again.

More broadly, we put our hearts out there. Well, at least I try. And I know all of the ways that allows us to grow our souls and shed our egos. I get that. I love being alive for that and I know I'm lucky to walk my path. But separation and sorrow. The yo-yo. Living in the paradox of both existing at the same time, how do we contain that? How do our bodies even hold that without exploding?

A Taste for Jung

I love how like a meandering stream the path of discovery goes. And sometimes it is as gentle as that, too. That past week I have been introduced in a new way to the work of Jung, and it's a taste that I find familiar and satisfying. And so off I go walking along the water's edge to see what it looks like.

He is more than a hero

He is a god in my eyes -
the man who is allowed
to sit beside you --- he

who listens intimately
to the sweet murmur of
your voice, the enticing

laughter that makes my own
heart beat fast. If I meet
you suddenly, I can't

speak -- My tongue is broken;
a thin flame runs under
my skin; seeing nothing.

hearing only my own ears
drumming, I drip with sweat;
trembling shakes my body

and I turn paler than
dry grass. At such times
death isn't far from me.

-- Sappho


The shape of you
the way you move
the love light in
the eyes of you

I photograph
I do the math
but nothing comes
equal

To the love light
The love light

-- Heather Kropf

Love Into the Great Beyond

Last year I walked up to my house and there was a dead bird at the foot of my steps. It's the second dead bird that's appeared at the front of my house and it felt important. I buried the bird next to the tree by my sidewalk and planted Cosmos seeds. In a few weeks the flowers bloomed, reminding me daily that life comes from death, that we can honor things passing and love them into the great beyond.

At the closure of this years-long process of making my album I am exhausted. So much has changed within and surfaced without: creation from nothing, illogical attraction, dissolved relationships, feeling so much, making everything happen, surrendering, injuries, the ending of things, completions, peace.

I need rest in the way those English women in the last turn of the century would go off to Italy to regroup and regain their health and color.

But there are a few more loose ends before the travel. There are things to be said and freed. There is a house to be sold, possessions to be shed. I long to move into the great beyond of my future as a nomad. I can taste its air. The blank canvas holds the possibility of the entire cosmos; its got a magentic pull to my optimistic mind that I've never been able to really resist for too long.

But the heart needs time to feel. It needs transitions. It needs to mark the moments and honor the passing. It needs to love here and now in the void. It needs to love to know the contours of a life. I am convinced the heart needs to love more than to be loved. It's the mind that needs to be loved. To love is why I buried the bird. It is why I made my album. It is why I am slowing down and taking time to let go before I paint my future.

I am in the last few moments in my coccoon, so let me bury all the heartache in slowness and sleep deeply and when I wake let there be a bouquet of color, sun, breeze and nothing to hold me back from breaking again.

At Long Last, Music

My new album is out today!

Today is the day! I released my fourth album, Chrysalis. How does it feel? Well, pretty damn good, that's how.

I went on my morning walk with my headphones blasting the songs, waking up the day, marking the moment. It's a good record. With perspective I can honestly say that.

I never thought it would get released like this, though. I was jammin' on my to-do lists, rolling along, when 2 weeks ago I hit my head again, which re-aggravated my previous concussion from last fall. Everything stopped. I've been off work with nearly constant migraines, at points too spacey or emotional to talk, and continuing to learn how to rest, take care of myself, and let go.

In the gap amazing people have emerged. I have been working with skilled people in the healing arts and my recovery progress is steady (well, steady as it can be for a concussion). I'll be able to sing at my release party on Sunday. Who knows how I'll feel afterwards, but the party is on. It's on!

I've also gotten lost in some life decisions related to people, place, pursuits. Isn't that about all of it? I met, for a second time, with Victoria Zaitz, a rock solid psychic who offered immense clarity in her hour-long reading. I never thought much of psychics before beyond a fascination in the esoteric, but her focus on the soul is really locked in and grounded. With confirmation from intuitives like her I'm learning how to trust my own intution. I'm not wrong.

Other amazing people: volunteers who are taking the party details way beyond what I ever could conceive, coming out of the woodwork last-minute to keep me from multi-tasking and making decisions. It is better than I could even imagine.

And the musicians, what can I say? I'm beyond grateful for a chance to play these songs live with my release party band, that includes many of the core players on the project. Paul Tabachneck is opening the night and wrote a sweet blog about my music. He'll be doing some guest vocals, including the duet on Valentine. I've been an enormous fan of his voice and songs, his live performance and banter for years. I'm the lucky one to have him opening the night.

Pedal steel, guitar, vibes, bass....these are some of my favorite pop instruments. I went back to listening to Joni Mitchell's Court and Spark and I'm kind of intrigued that I've naturally gone there a little bit with my album instrumentation choices. It's not entirely obvious, but it's there informing my work at the core. And it should; that album started my entire career as a songwriter. Up until then I'd been writing a bit (aka not practicing my piano lessons. sorry mom) but I didn't know it was possible to write personal poetic songs that were pictures in sound.

Anyhow. I don't come close to Joni; she's a brilliant light. But I'd like to think I glow a bit. I'd like to think that in striving to make my own music I've put a little nightlight out there for someone else to see by. Maybe, if I'm lucky. If nothing else it's been a helluva journey and I've done a little bit of soul-saving of my own. That is worth every thrill and heartache. Every single one, and believe me, this project had many of both.

This album, for me, is where my life meets art meets life and makes things better. Have a listen. Enjoy.

Bookends

Heather Kropf - Photo by AshleyDru Photography

I let go. I trusted it would all work out. And just like that, it seems, the album is nearly done, the release party is scheduled with the core band members of my choosing, and it's all funded with my tax refund. Rather miraculously it all flowed so effortlessly. Flow is uncharacteristic for this album of chapters, learning curves, starts and stops. I'm happy for it. God knows we all need a little ease in our lives.

And it's all coming up roses except the sequencing of the tracks. One of my favorite songs is Bookends by Simon & Garfunkel. I especially like it following Old Friends on that album. There's something magical that happens with pairings and groupings of songs. The sequence matters.

I'm after some of that Bookends magic and it's so elusive. I have been trying to sequence my album's songs and it's frying my brain and testing my patience. The concussion symptoms kick up just slightly, I'm also going off my meds for the concussion so I'm a little more spacey, headachy and drugged out, and it's the bluster of spring...a confluence of volatile energy. Yesterday I was looking for a fight. I wanted to punch something (or someone) and I wanted a whiskey in my hand. I was so over it.

But I rode it out and today it all settles down a little bit. The song order is falling into place - just 4 center songs to sequence now -- the prescription detox is easing a bit, and I'm not so temperamental. It's easier to smile to myself. We (over 150 crowd funding backers, 14 musicians, 5 engineers, 4 designer/artists!) have made something that I'm so proud of. My release date and release party announcement is May 3. After many long months in metamorphosis, I'm just about ready to release Chrysalis. My love for Bookends refers to many things beyond the song.

time it was

and what a time it

it was

a time of innocence

a time of confidences

long ago it must be

I have a photograph

preserve your memory

there all that's left you

- Bookends, Simon & Garfunkel

Soul Connections

It's funny that my last post was about soul. That was before I had a cognitive understanding of what I was clearly experiencing. Soul work has been like a forgotten and favorite nutrient these days. The long gap in between that posting and this one was due to a series of neck issues, a concussion that bedded me for about 6 weeks, and then the slow recovery thereafter. The neck issues remain.

Surrendering to the experience of life continues to move me to tears of happiness, really, despite the incredible amount of pain I have experienced in the last 5 months.

I saw the Carnegie International today and there were these sublime perfect moments of connection with something truly beautiful. A sentence in a film, perhaps: Her eyes ached to see him. Or color in thick brush strokes on large canvas with absolutely exquisite composition. Or the film with the drum that moved in the light and the music like light.

And so when I was recently told of a soul connection that I have it explains so much but doesn't do anything to answer the predicament of life's experiences. Never ever having considered connections of the soul before (honestly!) I inhale articles like some long lost vitamin. But the experience remains -- the push and pull, the absence, the 'holy longing'. I am lost inside my own heart, possessed by an energy I didn't ask for. I have seen all that has kept me from advancing as a soul, an artist, a healthy human being. But I don't yet know how to get on the other side.

An understanding with my mind is simply a delay tactic, or another way to encounter it, but not the experience itself. I have started writing about it in song as a way to shape the experience into something. Otherwise I am just literally undone all day long. I have tried to escape it, and I do a pretty good job of it, too. But I know this only prolongs the new reality I never asked for in the first place. I've clearly got work to do.

And yet, even as I wish I could be beyond it, I am enormously grateful for the opportunity to heal the karma, or balance the energy, or whatever you want to call it. I'm ready for a fresh start in my life. If this is day one, bring it on.

After years of going down the rabbit hole of alternative medicine and trying to coax myself back towards myself, it's grand to have a dream again. I have wandered about trying to be content with moments in the darkness. And I am. But I always knew some broader vision existed. Other people had it. Why didn't I? What did I never know what I wanted or needed? What kept me from my own intuition, my own Self? Why did I fear its certainty?

I still have no idea what the dream will be as a literal life experience, but I can see my world is expanding. I thank this unexpected soul connection for the shift. It's like those story walls in Lascaux Caves. A connection is a flicker of light to illuminate a story that's been there for thousands of years. With a little light we can read it like a book. We can see the story and read it, or we can see it and freak out because it's too much to bear. We can blow out the candle but the story is still there.

My story starts with a woman who has centuries of baggage. She can see them now and set them down and walk away. Or that is the idea. The idea is to walk out of the cave with nothing but herself, free to move, to hunt, to love, to run, to walk without burden. That's the idea.

With some different kind of future cast in front of my eyes, I figure surrendering to the pain is a small price to pay. I'd walk through fire for that. I'd suffer exquisite 'holy longing' as long as I needed to in order to reach some kind of certain peace tomorrow.

I've been pretty good at missing things. I've been good at doing without, at letting someone else's story dictate my own. I've been good at running. For the first time in my adult life I feel like I have something that is mine and no one can fuck with it. My heart and its longings are all mine. I don't suffer because of it. I claim it as my own. I do this because I know I'm alive and I'm not alone. There is someone else doing the same thing. There are thousands.

I will turn myself inside out. Or that's the idea. If this is day one then it is a good day. We get better by accepting what is. I could go on. I hope I do.