The heat is getting to me today. But that's not really worth writing about. I have been thinking about performance vs. experience for a day now, another form of heat. For some it is probably not new information that I have a sticky relationship with live performance. Given a choice I'd rather be in the studio, engaged with the process of ideas and music. Live performance is that thing I do to earn some money, and hopefully find some supportive listeners. Not terribly inspiring, is it? it hasn't been for me, either.


Well, last Thursday's performance got me thinking some. It went really well because I was connected to something that was playing through me and it wasn't about me. As a basically shy person I was relieved that I could disappear into music. I have no idea if it was different to a listener, but it was different for me. 


At the end of the night I wasn't hungry and drained; I was energized and weirdly happy and social. I talked about this with someone and they pointed out to me that it's the difference between creating an experience and performance.


So now I'm reflecting on The Experience. This is why we go to music - we want an experience. Successful artists have a way of creating experience, of pointing a big arrow to the muse, of embodying things unseen. I have recently witnessed k.d. lang and The Swell Season create such  experiences. The musicianship was sublime and precise and tasteful, and the generous luminous quality of the lead performers created something close to church.


At the time I was thrilled to turn off my music critic mind and be swept away by sounds, trusting that all the sounds would be perfect. Sometimes I'd have a mental moment of student to teacher, "how do you do that????" I would ask in my head. 


Weeks and months later it occurs to me now that perhaps they weren't performing at all. Rather they were open empty vessels for The Experience. Heat and light. A possession.


I don't know how one does this, but that sounds like a lot of fun. If live performances can somehow become live experiences, I might sign up.


Before I sign out I should share that I think I found a new doctor! I'll be changing a bunch of stuff around and doing yet a few more tests. When pieces fall together it's another good day. Now someone get me a fan and a glass of ice water.

Little Lucky Miracles....

So much has happened in the past few days. I first thought my CT scan was super duper scary and then it turned out to be more or less minor, I've had drama with doctors, and got wiped out by last Saturday's gigs. I mean, wiped on the floor like wax paste. Then tonight I had a 2 and a half hour performance at a little cabaret bar in downtown Pittsburgh and, lo, it went fabulously. What!@?!? Could it be I might finally have internal energy reserves, after 9 months? 


Or maybe all I need to enjoy performance is lots of spaces in between. I improvised endings and fiddled around on the piano with beginnings and did things I've never done before. It's ridiculous to have my last show of summer be so good, and from out of the blue.


In all my apparently unlucky days I stand here in wonder at a lucky one. 


There is a poem by Saint John of the Cross, quoted in the book I'm currently reading "The Ecstatic Journey" by Sophy Burnam. I feel like quoting it, too:

Once in the dark of night

when love burned bright with yearning, I arose

(O windfall of delight!)

and how I left none knows --

dead to the world my house, in dull repose;

--------

There in the lucky dark,

in secret, with all sleepers heavy-eyed;

no sign for me to mark,

no other light, no guide

except for my heart -- the fire, the fire inside!

Crossing fingers....

Just wanted to post that I have two performances this Saturday -- one is live on-air at The Saturday Light Brigade, which may be streaming as well, and one is a short opening set for my friend Keith Hershberger. His songs are emotional and thoughtful and his solo performances are very rare as he's spending more time working as a ceramic artist these days.  Crossing fingers that I'll have enough energy for both events, and wanted to share them with you. After that I'm more or less out of commission until I can get wrapped around my chronic illness treatments. Please visit Keith's lovely website to see his graphic design work and pottery: www.keithhershberger.net


Two other plugs, for readers in the Pittsburgh area:


Emily Rodgers writes songs that are, to my ear, like melancholy lullabies. Her lyrics are exquisite and she is playing tonight at Howler's Coyote Cafe. And Saturday, July 24, look for Joy Ike, Brooke Annibale and The Beggar Folk at Istanbul in Lawrenceville. Joy and Brooke are two of the classiest young women singer-songwriters in Pittsburgh, and I've had the pleasure of sharing shows with both of them in the past year. Waves of good art hit the city sand, and Joy and Brooke are on the crest of a wave coming up after my generation of writers. As it is with enjoying my work with gifted healers, I also enjoy being in the presence of gifted songwriters who are also real singers.


Lastly, my energy is up today. Just waiting to get results from a CT scan of a neck lump. Yeah, scary is right. Again, crossing fingers.....

Suns that shine shadows

In this case, the absence of writing has meant shadows lifting and shifting possibilities. I have found some wonderful people in this process and to honor Independence Day I will name the people who are helping me:


Fawn Chang - Feng Shui consultant. She is a beautiful person and helped me do a space clearing of my home this past week. Weird and cool things happened with my cat Albert. She hooked me up with....


Nora Shofield - Spiritual Response Therapist. Esoteric, I know. I just saw her this morning and maybe I'll write more about this in the coming weeks.


Susan Merenstein - of Murray Avenue Apothecary. She has, I swear, a golden glow around her and makes you feel like your life is Sesame Street. 


Michele Bertini - quite possibly the loveliest therapist in this city. I've seen her off and on for a few years and my monthly visits have cleared my mind and opened my heart.


Sydnie Bryant - Acupuncturist and herbalist at Wholistic Acupunture.  Yet another Sesame Street person, but only if you cross that with a cool and serene Japanese Garden. 


Dr. Kropf - Neuro-energetic Chiropractor. I'll be darned but those little laser lights kinda make me feel better. And he "chuck norrises" my head as good as anyone.


In all, people who do what they are meant to do on the planet and do it with such professional skill and generosity make me happy to be a human being. My suns that shine shadows are being eclipsed by light.