Dumbness of it all

When I was in high school I happened across a show on PBS that had a character who said something I've never been able to forget or shake: Sometimes we get lost in the dumbness of it all.

I've been trying so hard to listen to what my body needs, to learn about what's going on, and to find the right practitioners to help me on my path towards well-being and health. But there are so many voices and so many paths I could take. How does one know if the path is a direct course or a long and winding road?

Yeah, I stole that phrase. It's a good phrase.

I sit here at my computer at midnight with insomnia, a pounding head and a metal-tasting tongue. I met with an herbalist last week who set me on a path for 30 days to work on reducing inflammation and viruses and fungi and god knows what else. She believes the metals will resolve themselves if my systems are working.

But chicken or egg, man. Which is it? Do metals take hold because of inflammation and fungi and immune suppression, or do they cause it? Can it be both?

Is drinking half a lemon in 4 oz of water helping to move out the crap or is it making it worse (like the metallic tongue) because my body doesn't know how to move out crap right now?

I've got all these questions and no answers. And no sleep. And no food in the house because the fridge stopped working 2 days ago. And no fridge.

So, that phrase popped up in my head tonight. It's not a bouquet of roses or a thank you card or a free trip to Cancun, but it's solace of some kind. Sometimes we get lost in the dumbness of it all. Sometimes knowing we're lost is almost like being found.

We forge on

Since I've last written, a few promising things have happened. First, I've done some traveling without falling ill afterwards! On the heels of a long weekend to visit family I had another weekend of shows, three in a row. Again, no extreme fatigue! I have to mark this moment because last October at this time I was having a very different experience. It's important to acknowledge progress.


Having said that, by all accounts the metals detoxification process I'm selecting is slow, and hopefully not debilitating, and could easily take the next year of my life. I hadn't anticipated such a long term prognosis for treatment, but again what builds up over a life is not always shed in a day or a month.


I'm aware of thee things as I go forward: first, that I believe I will get better. I am admittedly terrified of the detox process based on past experience -- and metals chelation therapy can be quite dangerous --, but I truly believe this is the next course of action and it's worth it to get to the other side. I'm going to get there. Second, the cost will be substantial. Whether I go the intravenous route or the sauna and supplements route, there's no way around the fact that this process will cost thousands of dollars and consume much of my waking hours. Third, health insurance, by my early research and estimation, doesn't cover a lick of this healing process. I know there are many views on how health care should happen in our nation and I respect that quest. However, I have to say no one should be looking at a bank account statement and weighing that against how they choose to heal. This is the weirdest perversion, and anyone who doesn't understand that has never personally been sick and wondered how they will pay for their course of treatment.


I kid you not, after I've recovered from all of this I will be integrating some component of financial support for wellness into my art. I don't know how yet, but I can say that governments and companies don't have all of the answers, nor should we be held hostage to their indecision and compromises. We forge on with our own lives independent of what's around us. In my case, I will detox metals even though Allegheny County Health Department apparently can offer no help in isolating the source of this metal contamination and Highmark Health Insurance apparently can offer no coverage for my method of treatment.


So it goes.

Metal Pig

First of all, someone left me flowers at my show last night. So cool! Also, 3 women were there who I swear I've met, but I didn't realize it until they were leaving. If you're reading this, I'm so sorry I didn't say hello.

Now for the health part of this blog: I've got metal toxicity. Looks like this might be at the root of all my misery for the past 2 years. Based on my disastrous detox earlier this year which seemed to bloom an Epstein Barr viral outbreak, I'm beyond nervous about detoxing the heavy metals. What misfortunes will I have to walk through to get to the other side? I know that's a glass-half-empty mentality, but this is where I'm at today. My ears are ringing, I can't take loud noises. Even typing on this keyboard is smacking my right ear like a crashing cymbal.

But detoxing is definitely what comes next, 'cause I can't feel like crap forever. 


I'm making good on my Chinese astrological element: metal. Wish me good fortune, friends. Over and out.

The brilliance of smallness

For all my ranting about technology and what it does to human interaction, I gotta say I've discovered Netflix streaming movies on an ipod are about as close as it gets to reading a book. Since discovering this feature last Friday, I've watched 4, count 'em, 4 movies. It's a great way to keep me on the couch. The drawback is that it wrecks my vision. So, easy does it.


I've done absolutely zero songwriting in the last few weeks. Not even attempts. I had two performances which messed up my jaw pretty good. Something about the way I sit, sing and play really doesn't work from a physical standpoint. Gotta solve that one. Anyhow, here's the deal: there are some incredibly talented people out there that don't do music full time. Martha Jane is one of them.


In the DIY music community a conversation rages about the future of the industry. This has been going on for as long as I've been out there as a singer-songwriter. It's all about the role of technology and labels and stuff and everyone has an interesting and equally valid perspective.


The DIY culture really honors the entrepreneurial artist. It honors the extravert. I believe most artist are entrepreneurs, by the structure of how it works, but I also believe there are artists who have brilliance and are not entrepreneurs. They simply are good at the artist part. And that's where partnership comes it. These folks have a gift and if we're lucky enough to experience it that is in itself enough. There is greatness in smallness and not everyone who is a talented singer or songwriter needs to enter the music biz fray. There is no cultural or personal obligation. I didn't use to think that, but now I do.


The the industry is morphing and I have to agree with some folks who say we've traded quality for quantity. At some level, I think that's true, and I believe there is a deep and sacred part of our culture that's going underground because of this. That's where is makes a lot of sense to have artists partner with entrepreneurs. Like that song from the 80s, "You've got the braun, I've got the brain. Let's make lots of money." I don't mean a partnership quite like that, but some kind of pairing of gifts equals more than the sum of it's parts.


Pittsburgh, by my experience of 15 years, has almost zero support structure for DIY musicians. There's no industry here to speak of, and I think there could be. I think the culture-at-large would benefit from entrepreneurs cultivating true talent. The folks who are truly talented and charismatic are gonna be fine on their own, and I will enjoy them as much as anyone, and smile for their tremendous accomplishments. Perhaps this is the reality of the future of music and maybe I should just jump on that bandwagon without reservation.


But I have reservations, and I have to articulate them. There are gems who are quietly brilliant, who are music incarnate, and who make songwriting and singing look effortless. I'm an incredibly judgmental person when it comes to art, and these folks relax my mind and put me in my heart and I can experience music the way it's intended. In fact, I can experience humanity the way it's intended. You know these people when you see them and hear them. It's an undeniable thing, and it's not always in your face and obvious. This is the paradox, and this is our discovery to make.


Anyhow, I think lots of DIY artists end up saying you gotta embrace the new world or get out. Stop complaining because reality won't wait for you. Stuff like that. 


There's a missing piece in a statement like that, and I can't quite figure out what it is. I think it has something do with partnership and discovery and the brilliance of smallness, but I'm not sure. I do know I felt lucky to hear Martha Jane. I also know that I don't think she is required to do any more than what she's doing now. Somehow it's more our job to find the gems or something.


I guess this is an entry in my blog where I open it up to feedback. What do you think?

Thick headed me

Well, it looks like I've cycled back down to another episode of adrenal exhaustion. My kidneys are killing me, and I just feel like I'm coming down with something. I guess when the remedy is REST, it really means rest. Not quit one of your jobs and exchange it for fixing up the house. Bad idea, bad idea. 


I'm hosting friends today and then I swear I'm on the couch, with a pencil and sketch pad in hand whiling away the hours.  Since my exhaustion is moderate to severe I am told I can expect 2 years to recovery...and that is if I'm doing everything right. So far, I'm not doing everything right so I guess I'm back to square one, and I'll keep coming back to square one until I learn. I swear I'm learning, although I can't wait for 2012.

Devotions

I am officially ridiculously into alternative and integrated medicine. I want to convert the world.


I remember when I was in high school (a religious private school) there was a wave of evangelical fervor that swept through, and people were obsessed with speaking in tongues and casting out demons, vicariously causing me all kinds of distress and disgust. Anytime a class would get distracted by demon conversation I just felt an icky darkness descend upon the room, and I wondered why anyone would want to be brainwashed into channeling that crap. My Led Zeppelin albums were considered evil and, yes, I didn't do 'devotions' every day so I was probably not going to be Saved. At one point I was eating lunch in the cafeteria and I could see a group of students ascending the art building across the parking lot. They were climbing to the roof because they thought the rapture was happening over the lunch hour. I saw them later in study hall.


Summer break happened and then by fall all the kids who found Christ kind of calmed down. They were just my classmates and life went on. At that point I realized it's the initial falling in love part and wanting to share it with everyone that was uncomfortable. I was uncomfortable in the face of so much certainty and passion.


Now I realize the value of that. We need to be uncomfortable sometimes. We really do. We need to allow people to be head-over-heels in love with whatever they've just discovered. It doesn't last, after all. It gets tempered by time and by living. Resistance to early expressions of devotion just creates rock-hard human beings, clinging to their truths. This is dangerous business. We must bite our tongues and open our minds and allow people to discover truth on their own. We all have our own path, and our paths enrich one another.


So, I humbly present that I am now that annoying 'Christ' kid who wants the whole world to have pins stuck in their meridians and herbs jammed down their throat, and kale mixed in with their scrambled eggs. It actually messes with my ability to write song lyrics; I guess that's my karma. Certainly, I expect my daily devotion will be tempered and maybe then I'll have words to sing again. The irony, here, is not lost on me. In the meantime, though, I only have words to shout from a mountain top: don't ever settle for band-aids for symptoms when you can discover and treat the causes of your illness. Don't accept your diagnosis at face value. It probably fits a bigger picture. Make sure you're looking for the big picture, that combination of spirit and science. It's worth it! There is that quote, "You don't find by seeking, but only the seeker will find."

Future Imagination

Doggone it if I'm not feeling kinda good these days. So good I'm forgetting to breathe. (pause for a moment to inhale, exhale). Whew. Much better.


Now, I've booked a few shows out east for November and crossing my fingers I can travel. Also, I'l be doing some music at the Mother Earth News fair this September in central PA. If I may stray off of the art/music/health overlap and jump on my green soapbox, I gotta say, "C'mon USA. Get some freakin' collective imagination." When it comes to energy consumption and technology we are like doddy aunts and uncles, stuck in our 20th century ways with no concept of what this world could be like in 2210. I mean, really, how often do I (do you, dear reader?) think about planet earth in 2210? 


Yeah, that's something.


Here we are, these soulful incredible beings, sharing this planet with millions of creatures. We are temporary players in this magical thing called living. Yet every day we feed the machine. We're not machines! Our hearts are warmer, our minds are poetry. We can screw up, yes. The paradox drives me nuts most days. Our collective unconsciousness of our own imagination and our ability to change, our human genius, is fed daily to the machine. I don't mean literal machines, although that's often the case. I mean systems and methods. When everything you have gets taken away, you can realize what you have that cannot be taken away. The heart informs the mind and the mind makes the threshold. And behind the heart is the pulse of life. That pulse is infinite. We are temporary and we are infinite.


So how much of how we live today actually makes any real sense?  Because there are doors to walk through and there is no other side. With my illness, I've had an opportunity to see my existence stripped down, and with my continuing recovery (crossing fingers!) I'm able to put my awareness to practice.


And all I am trying to say is that I am happy to play music at things like the Mother Earth News fair. I'm happy to make changes in my life and embrace the grand adventure, road to the unknown. It's all ok, you know. Good and bad, it's all ok. So what if I forget to breathe? I also remember to breathe.