Sitting Still

I finally hit my first physical test during making the album. It was the moment I kind of feared.

I've been doing a lot of travel, drinking alcohol, going out late, sitting in smoky bars, and seeing friends and music and all. I knew I was feeling really good and wondering when it would end.

Looking back I see signs..the headaches, the night sweats, the sinus pressure, the afternoon fatigue, the lathargic mornings, the vocal chords that weren't there, the feeling off.

It wasn't until we had 3 strike out sessions for lead vocals that I realized I hit my wall and needed to slow down. And slowing down was something I was dreading because it meant being a little self-reflective about my life. Sometimes you don't want to think. You just want to live.

Anyhow, I tried a bunch of bodywork and it was all lovely, but by this past weekend it still bloomed into full blown illness...the weak throat, the wheezing, the incredible fatigue. And I couldn't take it. I felt like I was falling into that spiral that was all too familiar and I never wanted to experience ever again.

So thank god for the people I've worked with over the last few years. I don't have to wait and wonder and worry. I call and they take care of me.

Acupuncture was on order for today and we found lots of lung stuff going on, and after the needles I swear I haven't felt my throat and upper chest this open in a long long time. And then I get to put these herbal crystals in hot water and drink down a sugary antiviral/antibacterial tea. Yum, sugar.

It's also at this moment that the advantage of having a co-producer becomes exponentially clear. I would have tried to plow through the vocal sessions, and kept on my trend towards burn out like I had with all my past projects. But with outside ears at the vocal sessions (and really good ears) it was a no brainer to stop.

So while I allow my voice time to heal and my body time to get its mojo back, we'll excerise the bend and not the break. There is plenty to do that doesn't require my body to have my back: guitars, strings, album art, etc. Now if I can only sit still long enough.

In Pursuit, Completely and Without Expectation

I feel like a hundred things have happened since I last spent time at A Burning Ember. Most of it seems somehow too personal to blog. That's probably a good thing. We all need our own secrets, our internal worlds which are held like cards tightly to our chests.

This has been a rough year for me. I'll say that. But it's also one of the best I've had. Somehow the chronic medical stuff that I'm still trying to erase takes a back seat to my obsession with album-making. And my album-making leads me like a Band-aid ripped off of a wound back to the source of what ails me. It's all the same thing.

When exposed to the elements of music and living I fester. I float around like a lost piece of driftwood on a swelling sea. I know what I want, after years of not knowing a goddamn thing. And I have been given permission to drift in it a while, just to remember what being alive is like. I had no idea I wanted to float so badly. I, who had been trying to put down roots because I imagined myself to be a tree.

So yeah, this entry is a little opaque. I guess the point is I'm happy and I'm at home out here, even with the chronic stuff. And I'm also more heartbroken because I see the dark clouds off in the distance. At some point there will be a mad swim to some strange new shore. Desire is a double edged blade; it is waves and weather. Mixed metaphors. Whatever.

I'm pretty sure I won't get the objects of my desire. I'm ok with that. That's not really the point. Conquest is not the point. The point is the pursuit, completely and without expectation. Whether it's the music I'm chasing -- we wrapped up Rhodes parts recently, had a beautiful pedal steel session, and completed some lovely electric guitar -- or the rather effortlessly found funds to finish the project (yay!), or the life I'm hoping to embrace because it's mine, art and life conspire. I'm strung along. I don't even care. And I don't care where it ends.

On Not Being a Machine

It's been months since I've bothered to sit for a moment and reflect on A Burning Ember. This can be interpreted in a number of different ways, mostly positive. Basic tracking began for my new album last November, but because of the holidays and everyone's busy schedules, we didn't get wrapped until early January. From there I spent a few blissful weeks regularly practicing on a grand piano at a neighborhood church in preparation for recording for 3 songs that definitely needed the real thing.

And then began this unraveling that really caught me off guard. I was following every strand, stretching thin, and losing the big picture. Strand one was to look ahead to financing post-production, even thought we were just starting overdubs. My logic was, keep this puppy moving. I overloaded by submitting my first grant proposal and procrastinating on promoting a second crowd funding campaign.

Strand two: I realized I was going to go over budget on the recording phase and I don't have reserves because of my medical expenses. This, more than anything, has really pushed all my old buttons. I'm pissed I didn't accurately budget the studio time it would take us to edit and comp all the material and sing vocals. I could have raised that last summer.

And I've gotten lost in strand three -- making overdub instrumentation and arrangement decisions. We're kind of at a second pre-production phase, which is fun, but not fun when I find myself worrying about how to fund what the songs need to be done right. Can we really afford a choir of voices? Can we really afford two extra instruments on this song instead of just one?

I was at the pinacle of crazy-making two weeks ago, and a few things happened to knit me together. My co-producer reminded me that nothing about this project is worth rushing at the expense of getting done right. These 11 songs have a great foundation. The songs with piano have gorgeous harmonics and tone. It's worth it to get it right, rather than push to get it done.

And my boyfriend and partner on previous albums said this great thing to me the other day. We were driving to the grocery store two weeks ago and I was getting all hamster on a wheel in a cage about the various strands, and he said, "You always get like this at this part of the project." Whoa. Is that where I am again?

It was like a door opened. I saw the room I was in and it was somewhere I never wanted to be in ever again, so I decided to walk out. I needed no walls and a little more joy.

This is what I have done:

-- I've given up on trying to do lead vocals for now. Clearly I'm not ready.
-- I've streamlined my overdub decisions to two: my piano and Chris's guitar. That's it.
-- I've totally let funding go for now. I should have plenty of funds to cover guitars and piano. I'll look at what's next when I get there.
-- I've gotten massages.
-- My new measure for too much is this: If I don't have enough time or energy to cook meals for myself at home, then I'm doing too much. So far so good.
-- I have reintroduced fun by getting back to songwriting. FAWM has rolled around again and I have written 2 songs so far!
-- I've committed to making people more important than my work.

By Sunday earlier this week I was bored and relaxed and well fed. I look forward to a 2-day trip out of town to visit a good friend from high school. I took the time to have some tough conversations with someone I love, because in the end it matters more than a record.

Armed with astute observation and advice from Jeff and Randy and a little will power of my own, I've broken through one of my biggest negative patterns of over-extension and extreme multi-tasking.  This is huge for me.

This is also not to say that I won't find myself in the room of over-extension again before this project is done, but for now I celebrate.

It's good to be human and not a machine.

Saying Yes

I suspect that all things work together. I've been navigating new relationships and methods for making my next album. It's been trickier than I imagined. There are lots of gaps in activity that perplex me, and when I'm in bad headspace/heartspace it frustrates me. Can't we get started already? Apparently not. So I have decided to just accept it all, or change it, but not fight it. What a revelation. And it's so simple.

In the gaps I've caught up on a bunch of TV shows, finally fixed up my backyard in a way that makes me happy to look out my windows, and I took a deep breath and signed up for 10 days of Panchakarma. I just felt like it's now or never. It was a total gut decision.

I'm on Day 3.  The week of prep was such a challenge! I'm not one for eating the same thing every day for every meal (so boring!), but it's had quite a calming effect, just like they said it would. Go Kichari.

Disconnecting from distressing things is also a simple revelation. You just do it. I put up the meditation "hand" and very little has passed through. I watched a whole presidential debate and didn't get jacked up once. Incredible. I haven't felt the need to engage in controversial conversation with my boyfriend, so it's been less antagonistic. Again, incredible. We have all the power to choose our responses to anything.

Now I'm in the clinic for therapy 2 hours each day. I love these days so far. I love the ritual of it. They ring chimes over me and chant to open the session, and then the therapist punches and pushes and kneads my limbs in the same series of strokes over and over. My head and hair are bathed in warm oil. I have lavender scented things massaged into my forehead, and rose smelling oils dropped into my nostrils. The steam tent they put over me pushes my limits for heat tolerance so I'm building up time on that. It's only my digestion that needs a little help. Other than that the detox feelings have been nonexistant. I've just felt heavy like someone beat me up. They kind of have, so it's logical. At the end they feed me, you guessed it, kichari.

At the same time, I've started taking voice lessons. And this is where all things work together. The gap in album-making, I am realizing, is so I can learn how to breathe and sing, and re-connect to my songs. Yesterday I was in tears at my lesson, trying to get through a song that I suddenly felt deeply connected to. I am reminded that the things I write are meaningful for me -- there is an emotional origin -- but I distance myself from them for some reason. The opportunity, here, is to find a way to do both at the same time. How can I harness the emotion and use it to communicate the story in an authentic way, without falling apart? Aaaahhhhh, exactly.

Working to release my body of crap and my heart of locked away sorrow and heartache is so very synchronous. I'm turning myself inside out and letting sun shine in. I love how it all comes together. And I did and didn't plan this. Mostly I just said yes. It's the practice of my lifetime.

At my college graduation, the speech was all about Living in the Gap. I've thought about that recently. Living in the Gap is like watching the movie of your own life unfolding, only you get to be the actor, too. It's like watching the Divine Musician, and you are also the music. What will happen next? It depends what you say yes to today. How will the plot work its way together? Say yes, get really in, do the work, and find out.

Campaign Update!

After just 4 days, the campaign is 35% funded. I'm totally blown away by the generosity of 34 people. They give me hope that not only can this be possible, but it can also be effortless.

Yet another lesson to self: when we open up to the unknown, there is always something on the other side.

Kickstarter Campaign OFFICIALLY LAUNCHED!

After months of trying to figure out how to make a video (I'm a musician, not a filmmaker!) I finally gave up and gave it to a pro. And now, with great relief and anticipation, the campaign is launched to fund my 4th album "Chrysalis". It's already 8% funded!

I'm thrilled give a shout out to my early pledgers: Joy Ike, Marla Ferrency, Nancy Deckant, Judith Avers, Valerie and Jeremy Kropf, and Mark Perna. You are now on my album alter in the form of river rocks....

Pledge at: www.kickstarter.com/projects/2136175221/heather-kropf-new-album

The Song Shredder takes Mars PA

This whole experience with my health has redirected my energy back to the source: my love of songwriting and recording. I couldn't be happier about this, and I have to say it's been a long time coming. Sometimes it takes you decades to step into your truth. So when you get there, for cryin' out loud, stop for a moment and celebrate.

I'm here. Three times this week I've consciously thought, "I'm loving my life these days." I'm completely engaged in preproduction for my 4th album (I will attempt the highly intimidating Crowd Source Campaign to fund it), and have some new musical collaborations planned, so the destination is an unknown adventure. Yes.

I've decided to begin to take myself -- my so-called "brand" -- out of the musical equation by not emphasizing live performance so much. Rather, I will make the songs go on a little journey out into the world instead of my physical self, via publishing, song placements, etc.

To do this requires some exercise. It requires that I dig into the craft to get better, it requires that I get into the studio to make something of broadcast quality, which is exactly what I want to do anyway.

Enter a sunny May weekend in Mars: I just spent a beautiful Saturday outside of Pittsburgh, where the grass grows by creeks under groves of trees. I laid on the perfect turf staring at the sky, listening to the whispering leaves, the sounds of famlies playing ball, and the occassional passing car. There were lots of butterflies. There were two girls wading with nets, trying to catch minnows. I could feel my body forget the crowded hood.

That's how I spent my breaks, anyway. Mostly I was indoors at a suburban development clubhouse listening to a Nashville songwriter/publisher talk about the Biz. I played a few of my tunes afterwards and had 3 of my 4 songs totally shredded. Lyrics, song form, everything.

It was a workout. For track people, it was like doing Fartleks. I could feel my muscles. I love that I have so much room for improvement; I love that it's worth it. I also love that at least one of my songs is just about ready to try to pitch. Hopefully someday soon you'll hear one of my freshly (re)written songs on a TV show or in a movie, and you'll say, hey, I read her blog last year. That's the woman who's finally digging her life and making it count. 

It's after 10 pm. I'm home now, and I'm taking another moment to celebrate. May this moment last for years.

p.s......as a side note.....I have just discovered Ayurveda. I've got this 'High Vata' thing going on, which might explain lots of my chronic issues. Already seeing rather extraordinary results with Neem Oil. Next up: Panchakarma Detox, ya'll.